Domestic abuse can leave many individuals in fear of their lives. Statistics show that once a victim of abuse decides to leave his/her abuser, there is a greater chance of the victim being assaulted, and sadly, may turn fatal. The major reason for this has to do with the abuser realizing that he’s losing his/her power and control over the victim. This is one of the main reasons that we, as advocates and counselors, encourage individuals to have a safety plan in place that covers a who, what, when, where and why for before, during and after he/she leaves an abusive situation. For many, learning various methods of self defense is a positive way to make individuals feel safe and empowered.
In Memphis, TN, there are a number of organizations and businesses that offer options for self defense, some to include gun training and certification. On March 19th, I will serve as one of the presenters for the event on the attached photo. This particular conference will explore options that do not include the use of a gun. We’ll also talk about domestic abuse, the different types, understanding the signs, where to go for services and will include live demonstrations for self defense for which attendees can participate. If you’re in Memphis or know others who are, please be sure to register or encourage others to do so. What you’ll learn here will be helpful for you or someone you know.
With February being known as the month of love and inclusive of Valentine’s Day, society has convinced so many people that it is necessary to buy expensive gifts and eat at fancy restaurants. And, with social media being the driving force of real time information, everyone’s in a competition to see who can buy the biggest and the best of everything so that it can posted, tweeted and instant messaged for all to see. But, is this the true meaning of love? Valentine’s Day is one day. We have 365 days in a year (366 during leap year). Are you any less loved or cared for during those times?
The truth is, not everyone can afford to buy expensive gifts. Not everyone can afford to buy gifts period. That doesn’t mean that you are any less loved or valued. It doesn’t mean that the love you have for others should be measured by what you can provide with material options. Love is an action word, and that action can be displayed in the time you spend with those that you love and care about. Say I love you. Talk about those things that make the person special. Compliment their cooking. Want to do something tangible? Create a list of 10 things that make that person great. Put them on note cards and place them in areas that the intended reader is certain to find them.
Just a quick note to say that if you’re reading this, thank you! I appreciate you. You took out the time to read what I had to say, and for that, I am grateful. My way of showing the community that I care is through my blogs and hosting the radio show, Boots on the Ground. I also do my best to be transparent in the way that I speak and carry myself. I give what I can financially to individuals and organizations. I often write handwritten notes to send out to others to say thank you, I appreciate you or I love you. I do it randomly throughout the year. I feel that these are some way to REALLY show someone how you feel about them. I encourage each of you to act in accordance to your means to express love and appreciation. And, concentrate on letting everyday serve as an opportunity to love yourself and others. Society as a whole may label February as the specific time to express it, but real love shouldn’t be defined by a day, but rather, by consistent actions that can be seen, felt, heard and remembered long after February has come and gone.
Recently, I had the privilege of speaking on a tele-summit entitled, She is in You. My topic was “Girls Night-Investing In You”. My focus was to share with the listening audience about my experience with overcoming domestic violence and entertaining the idea of engaging in a romantic relationship again, but only AFTER I had truly learned to love myself and embrace me-flaws and all. I also had to find ways to invest in myself holistically.
I wanted to dispel the myth that you have to spend a lot of money in order to be happy or do things for yourself. Because February is known as love month, and specifically, Valentine’s Day, society equates gifts and fancy dinners as the ultimate displays of love and affection. For many, this month is quite dreaded. What if you don’t have a significant other? What if the significant other was your abuser? What if you don’t have the money to afford a spa day or night out on the town? It does not or should not make you or anyone else feel less important or significant. We should never measure our self worth on material things.
You can pamper yourself on a budget. For about $5, you can buy a box of finely ground scented bath salts, an aroma-scented candle, manicure set, cotton balls and nail polish from any Family Dollar, WalMart or Dollar General Store. Play the radio or download music to your phone, run a nice bath and relax. Have children? Establish some things for them to do while you’re pampering yourself and make sure they understand the boundaries of ‘mommy time’ or take some time for yourself before they go to school or after bed. Of course, not every situation works for everybody, but the point is, YOU must take some time out for YOU. In order to establish happy and healthy relationships with others, whether it be personal or professional, you must first make sure that you’re in a happy and healthy relationship with yourself.
February is National Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention month. It is the time that we, as a society, should be making a conscience effort to educate and inform our teens about the importance of establishing healthy relationships, setting boundaries, knowing the signs of abuse and what to do if you find yourself in an abusive situation.
The problem is, in my opinion, we still have too many adults who are not aware that this month has been set aside for such a purpose. We still have too many adults who don’t quite understand abuse themselves, and therefore, simply cannot educate young people about it. There are too many adults that are still living in their own fear of their abuser, what people will think of them if they tell anyone about being abused (past or present) or struggling with their own lack of self esteem and self worth. I was one of those adults. I always knew that I didn’t want my children to be in unhealthy relationships, but I wasn’t providing them with a positive role models. Nor did I spend as much time as I should have in seeking them out. Although we’ve worked through a lot of our individual and collective hurts regarding the aftermath of abuse, it is still something that I regret.
Thankfully, I am a different person, and I have been able to speak to teens and tweens about abuse and reassure them that it’s not their fault, talk to someone they trust and that help/resources are available. What I enjoy most is talking with the parents and the children at the same time. It gives me the opportunity to in turn, tell the parents to BE the person that their child CAN talk to and trust, face their own fears, leave the unhealthy relationship and know that help and resources are available for them as well as their children. I also like to remind people that they are talking to young people, so if it’s difficult for you to know what direction to take, consider that it’s that much more difficult for a child.
Be sure to search for programs that mentor teens and find out if domestic violence/teen dating violence is covered in their programs. If not, then make the suggestion to have it included. I welcome the opportunity to provide insights that will assist in making our young people feel safe and educated.
Let me start by saying that I’m not trying to convince anyone of celebrating Kwanzaa anymore than I would tell someone to celebrate Christmas, Halloween, Easter or anything else. I believe that everyone should acknowledge every holiday and it’s rituals/traditions as it relates to their own personal values and beliefs. Having said that, I have come to have a real appreciation for Kwanzaa over the years. As this year is coming to a close, I find myself being more intentional about ensuring that I’m learning more about myself as a black woman in society, what I have to offer, what is being accepted/rejected and how my work plays a positive role in my community and society as a whole. I encourage everyone who reads this to at least think about the seven principles and if what you’re doing is helping or hurting your personal and professional path for holistic success and prosperity.
Umoja-Unity; Kujichagulia-Self Determination; Ujima-Collective Work and Responsibility; Ujamaa-Cooperative Economics; Nia-Purpose; Kuumba-Creativity and Imani-Faith
*Pictured is me after receiving the Kujichagulia award from RBG Entertainment as part of their 2013 Kwanzaa Pageant, which is a wonderful program hosted each year to showcase the beauty and talent of children.
