I had the privilege of being able to share a few insights as an invited guest for the Culturally Relevant Victim Centered Approaches training in Nashville, TN. It was hosted by the Women of Color Network, Inc. out of Pennsylvania. I’m a graduate of the LEAP Cohort 3 Fellows program WOCN developed along with CALCASA (California Coalition Against Sexual Assault). While I’m glad to have had the opportunity to share my perspective from a personal as well as professional perspective, I learned a great deal of useful information & a deeper appreciation for the need for such programs to be implemented and discussed on an ongoing basis.
One of the most interesting parts about the training was our discussion on biases and the exercises we did surrounding those biases. There were some attendees who were a bit uncomfortable. I think it’s a good thing. In order to better understand how to effectively assist victims and survivors, we must be honest with ourselves about how we view people as well as how we view ourselves when interacting with them.
I am hopeful to have the chance to facilitate training on this subject and will be pushing for agencies, businesses and anyone working with abuse survivors to take part in the discussion. I believe it will also prove to be helpful for personal development and the ability to work more efficiently with staff/fellow co-workers.
Last week, I had the opportunity to speak multiple nights for Family Vacation Bible School which was hosted by Nigerian Seventh Day Adventist Church in Lithonia, GA. The organizers were very intentional about wanting to make sure parents were given information on a variety of subjects. Financial literacy, nutrition and healthy relationships were among the topics discussed. I am glad to have had the opportunity to discuss children and safety one night and domestic violence a 2nd night.
It is very important to me that we address child sexual abuse and molestation with our children as well as domestic violence at an early age. I’ve discussed both topics a number of times in church settings. However, this was the first time I’ve ever done it at a vacation bible school, and I think it’s great! Many of our communities are saturated with places of worship. I truly believe it’s a perfect place and opportunity for awareness, education and support. The parents were interactive and asked a lot of questions. Each time I’m able to present is an honor, and I’m extremely grateful to everyone responsible for having me attend what was an outstanding vacation bible school for the children as well as the parents.
This year, I have been nominated for a Tri-State Defender’s Best In Black Award in the category of Best Author/Writer. Voting can be done once a day until July 28th by going to the following link: www.bestinblackawards.com. I’m in category #6.
It’s always an honor to be acknowledged for the work I do. I enjoy every opportunity I receive to speak and present. But, writing is something I’ve done off and on since I was in the 3rd grade. It’s been a wonderful way for me to express myself, connect with my feelings and keep up with the peaks and valleys of my life. I don’t think people really know just how writing means to me. So, to have an opportunity for others to take notice of this side of me is an awesome feeling. I want to win, well, because I just do!LOL But, just being in the company of the others in this this category means a lot.
Tri-State Defender is a weekly newspaper published in print as well as a daily online presence in Memphis, TN. Started in 2012, the Best In Black Awards is one of the ways in which they celebrate the work of African Americans in business and community involvement.
If you’re reading this, I hope you’ll vote for me and spread the word! While you’re voting for me, check out the other categories and cast your votes. You may find you know others whom I’m sure would also appreciate your support.
I posted this picture on facebook in November, 2008. I think I look pretty cute in it! It was part of a photo shoot I participated in for JD Westbrook photography. I was even featured on a flyer to promote his business. It was different and fun to do. As I write this, I’m not even sure if Mr. Westbrook is still in the photography business. I will have to check, so I can thank him for capturing this moment for me for a reason that neither of us considered when it was taken. This picture was taken approximately four months after I left my abusive marriage for good. Knowing what I now know about abuse, I understand that abuse doesn’t ‘look’ the way many of us perceive it to be.
Physical abuse is probably the easiest to recognize because, well, it’s visible. You see the black eyes and broken teeth. You see the bruises and dislocated arms. The various news outlets show us the physical side of abuse on a daily basis. But, what you don’t see nearly as often is the other types of abuse. Abuse can be emotional, sexual, financial, ritual, religious and psychological. It knows no race, color, religion, sexual orientation, educational background or social status.
Now, when I took this picture, I still hadn’t really considered the fact that what I had been experiencing was abuse. In my mind, I still only considered physical abuse to be the only ‘real’ abuse. We didn’t have physical altercations. I left because I was tired of me and my children being in an unhealthy and unstable environment. It wasn’t until I was encouraged to go to counseling that I realized that I had been abused in ways that have taken me years to come to terms with. The picture you see is a reflection of a college educated woman with a county job and involved in her community. It also represents a woman who was holistically broken and unsure of herself.
What I hope the picture does is show you there is no ‘look’ to a person dealing with or overcoming domestic abuse. The physical scars are what you notice first. But, if you look and listen a bit more closely, you’ll discover more individuals have been or currently going through abuse and may not even know it. And, as it was revealed to me in my own life, you may further discover that the one having gone through or going through the abuse is you! When I saw the picture and noticed the date, I almost cried. It is a true example of what it means to not look like what you’ve been through.
I recently had a very long and candid conversation with someone who’s going through a difficult time in their lives. No matter how hard they try, nothing seems to be coming together. Positive affirmations don’t seem to work. Calling certain friends and family have resulted in voicemail or the ‘stay encouraged’ answer which, while meaningful, is actually not very encouraging at all. It seems there’s more month than money. They get up with a positive attitude, pray and do their absolute best to remain positive. Still, the doors of opportunity seem to remain shut. Is God or anybody listening to the outcry of help and support needed? Surely SOMEBODY is listening and willing to help.
How many of us have gone down this same path? You may be reading this and going through some things right now and wondering if anyone is listening to your problems. Does anybody even care? How do I overcome when I believe I’m doing everything right? Here are a couple of points I want you to consider.
Are you consistent? Think about it. Are you consistently praying and asking for support and assistance. Or, are you consistent in your complaining, pity parties and blaming others? It’s alright to have a pity party for a short time. But, the short time should be 5 to 10 minutes. Cry, scream-do whatever you need to do. After that, wash your face, say out loud how you’re ready to move forward (in whatever your personal words of encouragement are) and start again. It’s important to be consistent in your thanksgiving for your valleys as well as your peaks.
Who are you talking to? You cannot tell everyone what you’re going through. There are people who will pray for your deliverance and those who will pray for your demise. Put your pride and fear aside and let people know what you need. Just be mindful with whom you share your information. Ask. Ask. Ask. Talk to people who are doing what you’re doing and learn more about their successes and failure. Trust me. Successful people have failed at something in their lifetimes. Be intentional about connecting with the individuals and resources you need to move forward. It may be uncomfortable, but being in the position you’re in is not exactly comfortable either. You’re struggling to ask, so you don’t ask and remain in struggle mode. Evaluate where you are, consider the outcome and pick a struggle.
Make sure that you take a moment to listen to yourself and examine where you are. Keep pushing forward. Keep saying positive affirmations. Keep putting out positive energy. Keep smiling. Keep an attitude of gratitude. Ask for help. Understand that you will hear the word no. Don’t be discouraged by them. Be determined by them.
