As we continue to recognize October as National Domestic Violence Awareness month, I am reminded of one of the single biggest questions I’m asked, Why Doesn’t She Leave? I decided to write a few of my thoughts and submit them to The Memphis Flyer. I’m pleased to share my thoughts were featured in this week’s Viewpoint section of their newspaper. I am hopeful that those who read it will find it to provide a more intimate look at the barriers individuals affected by domestic violence are facing. I also hope it inspires others to become more involved in establishing and maintaining solutions to help our brothers and sisters who need help, support, guidance and resources.
Let me start by saying that I’m not trying to convince anyone of celebrating Kwanzaa anymore than I would tell someone to celebrate Christmas, Halloween, Easter or anything else. I believe that everyone should acknowledge every holiday and it’s rituals/traditions as it relates to their own personal values and beliefs. Having said that, I have come to have a real appreciation for Kwanzaa over the years. As this year is coming to a close, I find myself being more intentional about ensuring that I’m learning more about myself as a black woman in society, what I have to offer, what is being accepted/rejected and how my work plays a positive role in my community and society as a whole. I encourage everyone who reads this to at least think about the seven principles and if what you’re doing is helping or hurting your personal and professional path for holistic success and prosperity.
Umoja-Unity; Kujichagulia-Self Determination; Ujima-Collective Work and Responsibility; Ujamaa-Cooperative Economics; Nia-Purpose; Kuumba-Creativity and Imani-Faith
*Pictured is me after receiving the Kujichagulia award from RBG Entertainment as part of their 2013 Kwanzaa Pageant, which is a wonderful program hosted each year to showcase the beauty and talent of children.
What has kept you from pursuing your new business? What’s keeping you from leaving that unhealthy relationship? Why are you still working for a company that doesn’t appreciate your true worth? Why do you feel obligated to remain friends with someone who doesn’t understand what being a true friend really means? There are so many reasons as to the ‘why’ we do what we do. Most of the time, the why has to do with fear. We fear the unknown. That is a natural human characteristic. However, it is a four letter word that carries a lot of weight, and oftentimes, we just don’t know how to overcome it. And, when we develop a little of courage to do so, we find ourselves becoming afraid of the presumed outcome, so we just dismiss the idea of addressing it altogether.
What you need is a plan of action, and you need to have people in your life that will hold you accountable, support your efforts and provide you with constructive criticism. I would never advise anyone to just leave your relationship or quit your job. What I do encourage is that you do some serious evaluating about those issues and begin to make preparations so that your transition is as safe and stress free as possible. When making those plans, be sure that you’re NOT sharing that information with everyone. Be selective with whom you trust your plans because an abuser’s anger is heightened when he/she knows you’re planning to live him/her. Your plans to resign from a job may cause you to get fired because someone decided to share information that prohibits you from leaving on your own terms.
In the case of friendships and just overall negative people, let them go…NOW. Far too often, we are so concerned about hurting their feelings that we’ve not considered our own. Are those people as concerned about your feelings? As with any situation, do try and make an effort to work things out if that is a possibility. However, don’t lose sleep or your life trying to force something to work that’s rooted in fear.
