Transition can be difficult, and the journey to self sufficiency is not an easy one to travel. Making the decision to leave an abusive situation is often times emotionally challenging. It is only the beginning. The mental, physical, spiritual, financial and educational barriers can prove to be overwhelming without the proper support and guidance. Helplessness, fear, shame, anxiety and uncertainty are common feelings. Compound with potentially limited education and a lack of substantial resources, the transition can be overwhelming.
If you’ve ever spent any time talking with a battered man or woman, you cannot help but feel their hurt and pain. I’ve had the opportunity to spend time with a lot of men and women to talk to them about everything from teen issues, HIV/AIDS to homelessness. The common thread was that much of what I heard dealt with some sort of domestic violence. I have laughed and cried with them, shared their triumphs and their trials and know first hand what it’s like to walk in their shoes. Unless you’ve been in this situation, it is not fair to pass judgments on why a person stays with their abuser or how they ended up homeless. What is key is to take the knowledge of that person’s hurt and show them how to channel it into something powerful and meaningful.
Walking Into A New Life is the nonprofit organization for which I serve as Executive Director. It is just what the name says-walking. The road to a victorious recovery takes time, patience and will. You will not and should not expect to simply just ‘get over it’. It is perfectly alright to take your time, monitor your steps and measure your level of progress.
Education plays a vital role in the survival process. Education of life is just as important as any formal setting of higher learning. The key to holistic wellness hinges on the level of education you receive to assist with recognizing your talents, skills and abilities. Once the various levels of education have been addressed, your level of self esteem is increased and you can begin to take charge of your life. I look forward to spending more time with men and women who want and need hope and encouragement to take that first step, discover and/or enhance their talents, own and maintain their own businesses and ready to live full, productive lives.
Earlier this year, former ‘Clueless’ star Stacey Dash went on record as making a comparison on good girls, bad girls and rape. The sad and disappointing irony of her comments is that she’s the same woman who has spoken in the past about her experiences regarding sexual and physical abuse. As a survivor of both, I found her comments to be irresponsible and insensitive. Her apology was just as bad, saying that it was a ‘failed attempt at humor about good girls and naughty girls.’ Rape and humor don’t go together. Period. Perhaps she should do a bit more research on the topic. Or, better yet, how about doing some self reflection of her experiences? In doing so, maybe she will become more in tune with addressing the horror of the situation rather than looking for a humorous way to speak on it.
My being raped was one of the most horrific experiences of my life. It happened at a time when I was sober and alert. I was wearing sweat pants and a t-shirt. It was with someone I trusted. To even mildly suggest that I was a bad girl or a girl who likes to be naughty as a reason to be violated is ignorant and insulting. If one chooses to get drunk and/or walk around naked in public, the punishment by law is being cited for indecent exposure and/or public intoxication. Rape is not another option, and it should never be considered as acceptable and understood consequence based ones appearance, whether or not he/she has been drinking or how much alcohol has been consumed. I do, however, advise that women and men alike should take responsibility in when, where and how much alcohol they consume. In addition to the possibility of being taken advantage of regarding rape, one should consider drunk driving, robbery and health consequences as well. I have gotten drunk before. The hangover I had the following day felt almost unbearable. It wasn’t fun. It wasn’t pretty hugging the toilet because I couldn’t stop vomiting.
Anyone who have been raped or worked with anyone who has will tell you that there’s nothing remotely humorous about it. Rape is not about pleasure. It’s about control. It’s about domination. What a person wears or what they’re drinking does not give the person the green light to commit a crime against them. It is an excuse. It is unfortunate the issues and consequences (or lack thereof) have created rules such as the sororities on the campus of UVA having been told to stay away from social engagements where fraternity members may be gathered. The responsibility should not be on the women to stay indoors for the sake of safety. Where is the awareness and consequences for the men? What message does it send to the men? Men walk around shirtless. They wear tight pants. They work out in short shorts and tank tops. They go out to parties and bars and get drunk. It is inconceivable to think that any of those scenarios would be a legitimate excuse if a man is assaulted or raped. Yet, if it’s a woman, every one of those same scenarios will be brought into question as an acceptable form of investigation.
Awareness, accountability, responsibility and safety concerns regarding rape need to be addressed across the board. It’s not to be taken lightly and should never be placed on one specific gender or situation to hold the weight. Rape is not about good and bad. It’s about right and wrong. Anyone who can’t articulate that with sensibility should practice the art of silence.
