What has kept you from pursuing your new business? What’s keeping you from leaving that unhealthy relationship? Why are you still working for a company that doesn’t appreciate your true worth? Why do you feel obligated to remain friends with someone who doesn’t understand what being a true friend really means? There are so many reasons as to the ‘why’ we do what we do. Most of the time, the why has to do with fear. We fear the unknown. That is a natural human characteristic. However, it is a four letter word that carries a lot of weight, and oftentimes, we just don’t know how to overcome it. And, when we develop a little of courage to do so, we find ourselves becoming afraid of the presumed outcome, so we just dismiss the idea of addressing it altogether.
What you need is a plan of action, and you need to have people in your life that will hold you accountable, support your efforts and provide you with constructive criticism. I would never advise anyone to just leave your relationship or quit your job. What I do encourage is that you do some serious evaluating about those issues and begin to make preparations so that your transition is as safe and stress free as possible. When making those plans, be sure that you’re NOT sharing that information with everyone. Be selective with whom you trust your plans because an abuser’s anger is heightened when he/she knows you’re planning to live him/her. Your plans to resign from a job may cause you to get fired because someone decided to share information that prohibits you from leaving on your own terms.
In the case of friendships and just overall negative people, let them go…NOW. Far too often, we are so concerned about hurting their feelings that we’ve not considered our own. Are those people as concerned about your feelings? As with any situation, do try and make an effort to work things out if that is a possibility. However, don’t lose sleep or your life trying to force something to work that’s rooted in fear.
I’m excited to facilitate this event again this year. Be part of “The Talk” on domestic violence, learn about establishing a healthy relationship with yourself and others, and how to find help for you and those you love. Bring your girlfriends, daughters and sisters! Details are as followed:
Date: October 1, 2015; Time: 5:15pm; Location: Whitehaven Public Library, 4120 Millbranch Rd, Memphis, TN 38116.
A really good friend once told me that I should always have three routes in mind when planning to go anywhere. I always thought that at least two were sufficient. But, after a severe storm, extremely bad accident and two separate unsuccessful routes, I found myself sitting in my car on the side of the road, trying to figure out what to do and where to go next. I turned on my radio to get an update on the weather, and while listening to the reports, the announcer mentioned the extremely bad accident which had me going in circles trying to get to my destination. He mentioned some alternate routes. I looked up and realized that one of routes he mentioned happened to be two blocks from where I’d parked. I started my car, proceeded with caution and made it safely to my destination.
Never allow anyone to tell you or make you feel that there is one specific way to conquer domestic violence. There isn’t. Our experiences, levels of abuse and support system are just a few of the factors one should take into an account when deciding how to proceed with the transition from victim to victorious. One may find that the most common, traditional methods to recovery are not effective. Sometimes, the most successful road is the one less traveled. Choose alternate routes, various methods and combine your plans as necessary. Even an effective plan is subject to glitches and bumps along the way. Consult with trustworthy individuals who can help you create alternate routes and follow them as necessary. But, like GPS, people are not always 100% accurate, and therefore, it is imperative that you also rely on your own instincts and judgments and implement them when appropriate. This allows you to have some input and control of your destination, while realizing that help is appropriate and acceptable to insure that you’re staying on task. There are many effective roads available to reach the ultimate goal of survival, and no one route will ever prove to be the right one for everyone. Find the one(s) that work best for you (or someone you know), proceed with caution and make it to your destination.
Transition can be difficult, and the journey to self sufficiency is not an easy one to travel. Making the decision to leave an abusive situation is often times emotionally challenging. It is only the beginning. The mental, physical, spiritual, financial and educational barriers can prove to be overwhelming without the proper support and guidance. Helplessness, fear, shame, anxiety and uncertainty are common feelings. Compound with potentially limited education and a lack of substantial resources, the transition can be overwhelming.
If you’ve ever spent any time talking with a battered man or woman, you cannot help but feel their hurt and pain. I’ve had the opportunity to spend time with a lot of men and women to talk to them about everything from teen issues, HIV/AIDS to homelessness. The common thread was that much of what I heard dealt with some sort of domestic violence. I have laughed and cried with them, shared their triumphs and their trials and know first hand what it’s like to walk in their shoes. Unless you’ve been in this situation, it is not fair to pass judgments on why a person stays with their abuser or how they ended up homeless. What is key is to take the knowledge of that person’s hurt and show them how to channel it into something powerful and meaningful.
Walking Into A New Life is the nonprofit organization for which I serve as Executive Director. It is just what the name says-walking. The road to a victorious recovery takes time, patience and will. You will not and should not expect to simply just ‘get over it’. It is perfectly alright to take your time, monitor your steps and measure your level of progress.
Education plays a vital role in the survival process. Education of life is just as important as any formal setting of higher learning. The key to holistic wellness hinges on the level of education you receive to assist with recognizing your talents, skills and abilities. Once the various levels of education have been addressed, your level of self esteem is increased and you can begin to take charge of your life. I look forward to spending more time with men and women who want and need hope and encouragement to take that first step, discover and/or enhance their talents, own and maintain their own businesses and ready to live full, productive lives.
Earlier this year, former ‘Clueless’ star Stacey Dash went on record as making a comparison on good girls, bad girls and rape. The sad and disappointing irony of her comments is that she’s the same woman who has spoken in the past about her experiences regarding sexual and physical abuse. As a survivor of both, I found her comments to be irresponsible and insensitive. Her apology was just as bad, saying that it was a ‘failed attempt at humor about good girls and naughty girls.’ Rape and humor don’t go together. Period. Perhaps she should do a bit more research on the topic. Or, better yet, how about doing some self reflection of her experiences? In doing so, maybe she will become more in tune with addressing the horror of the situation rather than looking for a humorous way to speak on it.
My being raped was one of the most horrific experiences of my life. It happened at a time when I was sober and alert. I was wearing sweat pants and a t-shirt. It was with someone I trusted. To even mildly suggest that I was a bad girl or a girl who likes to be naughty as a reason to be violated is ignorant and insulting. If one chooses to get drunk and/or walk around naked in public, the punishment by law is being cited for indecent exposure and/or public intoxication. Rape is not another option, and it should never be considered as acceptable and understood consequence based ones appearance, whether or not he/she has been drinking or how much alcohol has been consumed. I do, however, advise that women and men alike should take responsibility in when, where and how much alcohol they consume. In addition to the possibility of being taken advantage of regarding rape, one should consider drunk driving, robbery and health consequences as well. I have gotten drunk before. The hangover I had the following day felt almost unbearable. It wasn’t fun. It wasn’t pretty hugging the toilet because I couldn’t stop vomiting.
Anyone who have been raped or worked with anyone who has will tell you that there’s nothing remotely humorous about it. Rape is not about pleasure. It’s about control. It’s about domination. What a person wears or what they’re drinking does not give the person the green light to commit a crime against them. It is an excuse. It is unfortunate the issues and consequences (or lack thereof) have created rules such as the sororities on the campus of UVA having been told to stay away from social engagements where fraternity members may be gathered. The responsibility should not be on the women to stay indoors for the sake of safety. Where is the awareness and consequences for the men? What message does it send to the men? Men walk around shirtless. They wear tight pants. They work out in short shorts and tank tops. They go out to parties and bars and get drunk. It is inconceivable to think that any of those scenarios would be a legitimate excuse if a man is assaulted or raped. Yet, if it’s a woman, every one of those same scenarios will be brought into question as an acceptable form of investigation.
Awareness, accountability, responsibility and safety concerns regarding rape need to be addressed across the board. It’s not to be taken lightly and should never be placed on one specific gender or situation to hold the weight. Rape is not about good and bad. It’s about right and wrong. Anyone who can’t articulate that with sensibility should practice the art of silence.
