by Joyce Kyles | Apr 25, 2016 | Blog
April is Sexual Assault Awareness month. All month, I have been participating in different activities in honor of the month and to help spread awareness & education. Each year, I also strive to do something new and challenging as a way of establishing my personal and professional growth. Most people that know me tend to associate me with being a survivor of domestic violence. And, while that is what I started my journey speaking about and my primary focus, I am also a survivor of sexual assault. I participated in a 5k race against sexual assault, and it was one of the best experiences I’ve have.
The race was hosted by the Memphis and Shelby County Domestic and Sexual Violence Council. There were 111 individuals who signed up, with 87 people who actually ran. Of the racers, I was #44 overall (which is actually my current age) and my race tag was #45 which is what I will be on my birthday this year. I’m quite proud of myself for pushing through the pain and for not being discouraged with seeing so many others run past me. There’s some great significance in my last sentence. I pushed through the physical and emotional pain of a toxic relationship to get to this point of holistic peace in my life. I’ve learned to run my own race, recognizing that everyone’s journey and experiences are different. Therefore, the way that one responds to how they address it will be different.
The most important two points I want to make in this short blog is one, to challenge yourselves to do something new and two, operate within your comfort zone. I was not in the best physical shape to run this race, but I showed up, competed and finished. I did it in 42 minutes. I learned a lot about my mental and physical self. I established a foundation for myself and will continue to exercise my mind, body and spirit. I will continue to grow stronger and continue to endure. This is the overall attitude that I have as I continue my journey as a speaker, trainer, author, radio show host, wife, mother and survivor of domestic violence and sexual assault.
by Joyce Kyles | Apr 2, 2016 | Blog
April is recognized nationally as sexual assault awareness month, aka S.A.A.M. Throughout the month, I will be participating in a number of activities in support of the month, but it’s also quite personal for me. One of the worst experiences of my life was being sexually assaulted by someone that I loved. What I’ve come to learn over the years is that sexual assault/abuse within intimate relationships is common and often not reported, mainly because it is an intimate partner. Being in a relationship is not consent for abuse in any form. Rape is rape. Abuse is abuse. The relationship status isn’t a pass to mistreat another individual.
April 10th marks the anniversary of when I shared my experiences of domestic violence and sexual assault in a public setting. I’d talked about it to some degree with a person here and there, but I decided to go public with it at the Young Women of Excellence program for which I was a chairperson. At the time of my presentation, I wasn’t aware that April was a month of any particular meaning. I just felt that it was the perfect opportunity to share with the women in the audience about my experiences. My hope was that those mothers would hear what I had to say, think about what may be going on in their own lives or the lives of someone they knew, and have the courage to talk about it and of course, leave.
I never thought about what I’d do or how I’d feel after the event was over. But, the most amazing things have happened since I released my hurts, doubts and frustrations. I’m still telling my story. And, now, I have even more stories to share. I’ve been able to travel, teach and train. I’ve gotten remarried. I’m an author. I’ve watched my children become adults, and we have worked through many of our individual and collective hurts. We’re stronger. We’re better.
I’ve learned a lot from all of my experiences, and I’m dedicated to helping as many individuals, businesses and organizations as I possibly can to transition from awareness to action, become more educated, empowered and become holistically sound.
by Joyce Kyles | Dec 8, 2015 | Blog
Sometimes, our goals are just too broad. Who wouldn’t enjoy a six figure income, great home, multiple cars, fabulous clothes, exotic vacations, a happy relationship with family, friends, husbands, wives, etc.? While having faith is important, it’s honestly just not enough. You’ve got to put in the work. But, what exactly are you working on? What does work actually look like in terms of your needs, wants and desires in your personal and professional life? Work consists of planning your work and working your plan. Be prepared to work mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally. Be prepared for some long, disheartening and disappointing days and nights. You will question yourself. You will question others. Set some goals for your day, week, month and year. And, yes, set some goals by the hour.
I believe that the more you micro-manage your goals by the hour, the more clarity it will provide you with what needs to be tweaked as you strive towards your longer ranged goals. In fact, if you truly practice discipline and consistency, what goals could you set for yourself in 30 minute increments? Think about it. If we can find ways to cook meals in 30 minutes or less, why can’t we find ways to plan daily activities/routines that will holistically change our lives at 30 minutes at a time? I have some great strategies on accomplishing this, and if you’re reading this and want to learn more, I’m more than happy to help you put this strategy in motion.
In terms of domestic violence, those who are being victimized tend to think broadly. They are thinking about the leaving part. Those that love them are thinking about the leaving part. Oftentimes, just leaving is too broad of a concept to grasp. Or, it may not be feasible to do so for any number of reasons from financial to safety concerns. Again, there are a number of strategies that can and should be put in place to ensure that the holistic outcome is safe, realistic and tangible. Acknowledge that you need help and support with your personal and professional aspirations and be open to the suggestions you receive. Take each day as it comes with the belief that goals serve as a blueprint to achieving holistic success.
by Joyce Kyles | Aug 22, 2015 | Blog
Earlier this year, former ‘Clueless’ star Stacey Dash went on record as making a comparison on good girls, bad girls and rape. The sad and disappointing irony of her comments is that she’s the same woman who has spoken in the past about her experiences regarding sexual and physical abuse. As a survivor of both, I found her comments to be irresponsible and insensitive. Her apology was just as bad, saying that it was a ‘failed attempt at humor about good girls and naughty girls.’ Rape and humor don’t go together. Period. Perhaps she should do a bit more research on the topic. Or, better yet, how about doing some self reflection of her experiences? In doing so, maybe she will become more in tune with addressing the horror of the situation rather than looking for a humorous way to speak on it.
My being raped was one of the most horrific experiences of my life. It happened at a time when I was sober and alert. I was wearing sweat pants and a t-shirt. It was with someone I trusted. To even mildly suggest that I was a bad girl or a girl who likes to be naughty as a reason to be violated is ignorant and insulting. If one chooses to get drunk and/or walk around naked in public, the punishment by law is being cited for indecent exposure and/or public intoxication. Rape is not another option, and it should never be considered as acceptable and understood consequence based ones appearance, whether or not he/she has been drinking or how much alcohol has been consumed. I do, however, advise that women and men alike should take responsibility in when, where and how much alcohol they consume. In addition to the possibility of being taken advantage of regarding rape, one should consider drunk driving, robbery and health consequences as well. I have gotten drunk before. The hangover I had the following day felt almost unbearable. It wasn’t fun. It wasn’t pretty hugging the toilet because I couldn’t stop vomiting.
Anyone who have been raped or worked with anyone who has will tell you that there’s nothing remotely humorous about it. Rape is not about pleasure. It’s about control. It’s about domination. What a person wears or what they’re drinking does not give the person the green light to commit a crime against them. It is an excuse. It is unfortunate the issues and consequences (or lack thereof) have created rules such as the sororities on the campus of UVA having been told to stay away from social engagements where fraternity members may be gathered. The responsibility should not be on the women to stay indoors for the sake of safety. Where is the awareness and consequences for the men? What message does it send to the men? Men walk around shirtless. They wear tight pants. They work out in short shorts and tank tops. They go out to parties and bars and get drunk. It is inconceivable to think that any of those scenarios would be a legitimate excuse if a man is assaulted or raped. Yet, if it’s a woman, every one of those same scenarios will be brought into question as an acceptable form of investigation.
Awareness, accountability, responsibility and safety concerns regarding rape need to be addressed across the board. It’s not to be taken lightly and should never be placed on one specific gender or situation to hold the weight. Rape is not about good and bad. It’s about right and wrong. Anyone who can’t articulate that with sensibility should practice the art of silence.