With February being known as the month of love and inclusive of Valentine’s Day, society has convinced so many people that it is necessary to buy expensive gifts and eat at fancy restaurants. And, with social media being the driving force of real time information, everyone’s in a competition to see who can buy the biggest and the best of everything so that it can posted, tweeted and instant messaged for all to see. But, is this the true meaning of love? Valentine’s Day is one day. We have 365 days in a year (366 during leap year). Are you any less loved or cared for during those times?
The truth is, not everyone can afford to buy expensive gifts. Not everyone can afford to buy gifts period. That doesn’t mean that you are any less loved or valued. It doesn’t mean that the love you have for others should be measured by what you can provide with material options. Love is an action word, and that action can be displayed in the time you spend with those that you love and care about. Say I love you. Talk about those things that make the person special. Compliment their cooking. Want to do something tangible? Create a list of 10 things that make that person great. Put them on note cards and place them in areas that the intended reader is certain to find them.
Just a quick note to say that if you’re reading this, thank you! I appreciate you. You took out the time to read what I had to say, and for that, I am grateful. My way of showing the community that I care is through my blogs and hosting the radio show, Boots on the Ground. I also do my best to be transparent in the way that I speak and carry myself. I give what I can financially to individuals and organizations. I often write handwritten notes to send out to others to say thank you, I appreciate you or I love you. I do it randomly throughout the year. I feel that these are some way to REALLY show someone how you feel about them. I encourage each of you to act in accordance to your means to express love and appreciation. And, concentrate on letting everyday serve as an opportunity to love yourself and others. Society as a whole may label February as the specific time to express it, but real love shouldn’t be defined by a day, but rather, by consistent actions that can be seen, felt, heard and remembered long after February has come and gone.
February is National Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention month. It is the time that we, as a society, should be making a conscience effort to educate and inform our teens about the importance of establishing healthy relationships, setting boundaries, knowing the signs of abuse and what to do if you find yourself in an abusive situation.
The problem is, in my opinion, we still have too many adults who are not aware that this month has been set aside for such a purpose. We still have too many adults who don’t quite understand abuse themselves, and therefore, simply cannot educate young people about it. There are too many adults that are still living in their own fear of their abuser, what people will think of them if they tell anyone about being abused (past or present) or struggling with their own lack of self esteem and self worth. I was one of those adults. I always knew that I didn’t want my children to be in unhealthy relationships, but I wasn’t providing them with a positive role models. Nor did I spend as much time as I should have in seeking them out. Although we’ve worked through a lot of our individual and collective hurts regarding the aftermath of abuse, it is still something that I regret.
Thankfully, I am a different person, and I have been able to speak to teens and tweens about abuse and reassure them that it’s not their fault, talk to someone they trust and that help/resources are available. What I enjoy most is talking with the parents and the children at the same time. It gives me the opportunity to in turn, tell the parents to BE the person that their child CAN talk to and trust, face their own fears, leave the unhealthy relationship and know that help and resources are available for them as well as their children. I also like to remind people that they are talking to young people, so if it’s difficult for you to know what direction to take, consider that it’s that much more difficult for a child.
Be sure to search for programs that mentor teens and find out if domestic violence/teen dating violence is covered in their programs. If not, then make the suggestion to have it included. I welcome the opportunity to provide insights that will assist in making our young people feel safe and educated.
Today, I participated in my first 5k run/walk. The 2nd Annual Share Life Awareness Walk took place at 9am this morning. It was hosted by Kamekio Lewis, who wears many hats to include author, Executive Director, Magazine Editor, wife, mother and survivor of domestic violence. It was an honor to participate in the event. And, I actually placed 2nd in the walk/run! Not bad for someone who is NOT a runner and as much as I hate to admit it, not actively engaging in exercise in the way that I should be. I learned some great lessons from the event, and I’ll be writing another blog that will be specific to lessons learned. For now, I want to just take a moment to celebrate this awesome milestone.
Far too often, people feel as though 2nd place is not good enough. Society says that almost doesn’t count, or that no one remembers who’s second-only who won. There is some degree of truth to that considering the circumstances and what’s at stake. However, when it comes to the challenges we encounter in our lives, 2nd place may just be a comfortable place to be in. Take my race today as an example. I didn’t properly exercise & I’d never participated in a 2, 3, 5k anything before today. I just had the desire to support my friends and colleagues. I made up my mind to try running at least 1/2 of the 5k. It really didn’t matter to me who else would remember how I placed in the race. It was important to me that ‘I’ finished it. It was about me. It was about my personal challenge. It was about my personal goals. Therefore, the importance of the outcome was personal, not societal.
2nd place was a first place win for me, and I’ll gladly take that recognition…and my lovely gift basket of relaxation goodies, compliments of Kamekio Lewis and Honey Pot!
When we were in grammar school, we were taught the concept of stop, drop and roll in case of a fire. I have found this approach to be useful in my personal and professional journey of growth.
STOP: Sometime, we have to place ourselves Under Construction. If you broke your foot, you would wear a medical boot. People will see it, recognize that you’re not matching, but they will understand. When you’ve healed and you’re ready, you will remove the boot and the world will see your new and improved look. The same is true with your website or any other social media presence. It’s ok to put up an “Under Construction” page for awhile. People will see that you’ve shut down, but they will understand that you’re going through a transformation process to improve. For those who feel like they must leave it up because they’re going to miss out on something or someone, ask yourself what type of people are you attracting with misinformation, misspelled words or outdated content. Anyone who’s looking to take your brand seriously will not give you the time of day if what you have to offer isn’t a clean, clear and functional representation of your brand.
When we get dressed, we always check the mirror to make sure our makeup is on point, our shoes, dress, purse, tie, pocket square, etc… is a good coordinated compliment to our overall appearance and presentation. People notice if you are wearing one red shoe and one black shoe. They notice if your pants are too long, your dress is too tight or if your perfume is too loud. People will look at you strange and talk about you. You will end up being somebody’s meme. The same is true for whatever business you’re in. Just as we go back to the mirror to double check our appearance, we also have to go back from time to time to make sure that our cyber world hasn’t been hacked and that it’s working properly.
Drop: It’s all about proximity. I was watching an episode of Shark Tank and Damon John was offering advice to a contestant. His paraphrased statement: “It’s all about proximity. If you hang out with four broke people, guess what? You’ll be number five.” Steve Harvey says that his dad told him that the best thing he could do for broke people is not to be one of them. As I work to grow and establish myself holistically, I often reflect on these two statements. Who am I hanging around? Are these people adding value to my life? Am I adding value to theirs? Broke isn’t always in finances, as I’ve dealt with a number of people who were also broken in spirit and time. They have of time for drama, gossip, pity parties, Real Housewives of whomever and yet, they have legitimate issues that are legitimately affecting their overall quality of life. However, you have to be willing to put yourself in a position of prosperity. You have to be open for change. And, most of all, you have to put in the work. Sometimes, you have to be creative in your creativity and ask for help. Put yourself in a position to receive the things you say you want and need. You have to do it mentally AND physically.
Roll: Move your brand in the intended direction. People will treat you and your brand in accordance to what you’re showing them. I remember having this great video made of me to promote my new business and the videographer thought it would be good to incorporate my ‘why’ for the business. The result? People who saw it viewed me as an abuse survivor who became an entrepreneur rather than an entrepreneur who is also a survivor. I found myself being sought after for my advocacy, and my business became secondary. It took me nearly two years before I realized that I’d inadvertently misdirected potential business in a different direction. I branded myself the wrong way. Since that time, I’ve removed the video altogether from my site. I use the video for advocacy speaking and training purposes.
Remember to stop, drop and roll when considering which direction to go in and eliminate the potential fires that could result in moving by the wrong direction.
There’s a very simple and universal reason that people aren’t generally transparent about their situation, and I sum it up in one word-fear. While there may be any number of other reasons, fear, in most cases is lurking somewhere nearby. However, is the fear of transparency more about us or them?
There is a fear of judgement based on your life’s choices that have created uncomfortable consequences. People will blame you for your perceived or well documented less than stellar life’s events. There’s fear of not living up to certain expectations. You should have gone to college. You should have graduated by now. You should have more money. Why haven’t you gotten married yet? You have too many children out of wedlock. There’s a fear that your transparency will make you appear vulnerable. And, vulnerability will be perceived as a weak characteristic, rather than an admission of being human.
Now, the real significance of this particular blog is that I’m not necessarily referring to what other people’s thought process is about you. What other people think and say about us, whether true or false, does matter to us to some degree. However, I’m also referring to the fear of our own perceptions. When you’re being completely transparent, you are allowing yourself to be held under scrutiny by others. But, you’re now in a place of self reflection, and if done honestly, it can be sometimes be a difficult box to unpack. You’re now faced with the task of admission. Maybe it’s an unhealthy relationship. Maybe a friend or family member has hurt you. Maybe you’re living above your means. Maybe you’ve lied on someone. Maybe you’re struggling with health issues.
Here’s the thing. When we lie about our situations or give the appearance that all is well, we are doing ourselves and others a disservice. People are people, meaning, they will talk about you regardless to your situation, good or bad. Transparency provides a certain freedom that says you’re having a difficult time right now and need help. Or, it says that you struggled with a particular issue and you have overcome. While some may use it as a gossip piece of sorts, what you will find is that many will appreciate knowing that you’re human and that they are not alone. Trust me. Someone is going through what you’re going through; oftentimes right in your immediate circle. Your transparency may be just the thing that frees them, gives them courage and encourages them to move forward. And, in turn, you can and will receive the help that you need, forgive yourself and others, gain clarity and move forward as well.
