There’s a very simple and universal reason that people aren’t generally transparent about their situation, and I sum it up in one word-fear. While there may be any number of other reasons, fear, in most cases is lurking somewhere nearby. However, is the fear of transparency more about us or them?
There is a fear of judgement based on your life’s choices that have created uncomfortable consequences. People will blame you for your perceived or well documented less than stellar life’s events. There’s fear of not living up to certain expectations. You should have gone to college. You should have graduated by now. You should have more money. Why haven’t you gotten married yet? You have too many children out of wedlock. There’s a fear that your transparency will make you appear vulnerable. And, vulnerability will be perceived as a weak characteristic, rather than an admission of being human.
Now, the real significance of this particular blog is that I’m not necessarily referring to what other people’s thought process is about you. What other people think and say about us, whether true or false, does matter to us to some degree. However, I’m also referring to the fear of our own perceptions. When you’re being completely transparent, you are allowing yourself to be held under scrutiny by others. But, you’re now in a place of self reflection, and if done honestly, it can be sometimes be a difficult box to unpack. You’re now faced with the task of admission. Maybe it’s an unhealthy relationship. Maybe a friend or family member has hurt you. Maybe you’re living above your means. Maybe you’ve lied on someone. Maybe you’re struggling with health issues.
Here’s the thing. When we lie about our situations or give the appearance that all is well, we are doing ourselves and others a disservice. People are people, meaning, they will talk about you regardless to your situation, good or bad. Transparency provides a certain freedom that says you’re having a difficult time right now and need help. Or, it says that you struggled with a particular issue and you have overcome. While some may use it as a gossip piece of sorts, what you will find is that many will appreciate knowing that you’re human and that they are not alone. Trust me. Someone is going through what you’re going through; oftentimes right in your immediate circle. Your transparency may be just the thing that frees them, gives them courage and encourages them to move forward. And, in turn, you can and will receive the help that you need, forgive yourself and others, gain clarity and move forward as well.
If you are part of any form of social media, you have undoubtedly seen at least one or two memes of Kermit the Frog quoting something sarcastic, funny or informative…all while sipping his tea. For those of us who grew up watching television in the prime of The Muppet Show, we could have never foreseen our beloved Kermit become a bit of a poster child for social consciousness and etiquette. Yet, here we are. But, the lessons learned about Kermit and his tea are far more telling than those who share the memes may have ever considered.
First of all, I’m a tea drinker (never liked coffee). I’ve tried all different types; from the very expensive to the very frugal. I don’t like them all. When I come across someone looking for a particular taste, I’m able to direct them on what flavors and brands to consider. It is the same for what we do in our personal and professional lives. The truth is, everyone will not like or support what you do. I speak very candidly about domestic violence and sexual assault. That is what speaks to me. That is what I’m passionate about. However, I have friends, family and colleagues that have no interest in what I do and no desire to support it. It’s not that they don’t love or respect me. It’s just not their cause. It doesn’t move them. It’s not their cup of ‘tea’ so to speak. That doesn’t mean that I can’t drink my tea while you drink your coffee and we talk about (and maybe even collaborate) our mutual interests for the greater good of those that need us.
In the case of relationships, romantic or otherwise, I believe the same rules apply. Don’t force yourself to be with anyone that expresses they are not (or no longer) interested in you. It’s not worth the additional rejection. While you may not be that person’s cup of tea, always know that you are SOMEONE’S cup of tea. There is someone who will appreciate what your style and your brand. If we were all supposed to be the same, we would be. Embrace your uniqueness and connect with those who stroll down the same paths and grocery store aisles as you do.
I am honored to serve as Executive Director of Walking Into A New Life, Inc. Our mission is to stop domestic violence and help stabilize victims of abuse. We now host a radio show entitled Boots on the Ground. The purpose is to give a voice to lesser known individuals, businesses, agencies and organizations a platform to have their stories and missions heard, list tangible resources available and find out how the community can support their efforts. It also serves as a platform for those who are more high profiled to share how they work with those who are up and coming.
I’d love to have you follow the show, listen to past shows and share the information. There has been some awesome resources and events discussed. There’s been some amazing stories of resiliency and triumph shared. So many cities have already been represented, and I look forward to more inspiring and engaging interviews each and every week. blogtalkradio.com/walkingintoanewlife
What has kept you from pursuing your new business? What’s keeping you from leaving that unhealthy relationship? Why are you still working for a company that doesn’t appreciate your true worth? Why do you feel obligated to remain friends with someone who doesn’t understand what being a true friend really means? There are so many reasons as to the ‘why’ we do what we do. Most of the time, the why has to do with fear. We fear the unknown. That is a natural human characteristic. However, it is a four letter word that carries a lot of weight, and oftentimes, we just don’t know how to overcome it. And, when we develop a little of courage to do so, we find ourselves becoming afraid of the presumed outcome, so we just dismiss the idea of addressing it altogether.
What you need is a plan of action, and you need to have people in your life that will hold you accountable, support your efforts and provide you with constructive criticism. I would never advise anyone to just leave your relationship or quit your job. What I do encourage is that you do some serious evaluating about those issues and begin to make preparations so that your transition is as safe and stress free as possible. When making those plans, be sure that you’re NOT sharing that information with everyone. Be selective with whom you trust your plans because an abuser’s anger is heightened when he/she knows you’re planning to live him/her. Your plans to resign from a job may cause you to get fired because someone decided to share information that prohibits you from leaving on your own terms.
In the case of friendships and just overall negative people, let them go…NOW. Far too often, we are so concerned about hurting their feelings that we’ve not considered our own. Are those people as concerned about your feelings? As with any situation, do try and make an effort to work things out if that is a possibility. However, don’t lose sleep or your life trying to force something to work that’s rooted in fear.
A really good friend once told me that I should always have three routes in mind when planning to go anywhere. I always thought that at least two were sufficient. But, after a severe storm, extremely bad accident and two separate unsuccessful routes, I found myself sitting in my car on the side of the road, trying to figure out what to do and where to go next. I turned on my radio to get an update on the weather, and while listening to the reports, the announcer mentioned the extremely bad accident which had me going in circles trying to get to my destination. He mentioned some alternate routes. I looked up and realized that one of routes he mentioned happened to be two blocks from where I’d parked. I started my car, proceeded with caution and made it safely to my destination.
Never allow anyone to tell you or make you feel that there is one specific way to conquer domestic violence. There isn’t. Our experiences, levels of abuse and support system are just a few of the factors one should take into an account when deciding how to proceed with the transition from victim to victorious. One may find that the most common, traditional methods to recovery are not effective. Sometimes, the most successful road is the one less traveled. Choose alternate routes, various methods and combine your plans as necessary. Even an effective plan is subject to glitches and bumps along the way. Consult with trustworthy individuals who can help you create alternate routes and follow them as necessary. But, like GPS, people are not always 100% accurate, and therefore, it is imperative that you also rely on your own instincts and judgments and implement them when appropriate. This allows you to have some input and control of your destination, while realizing that help is appropriate and acceptable to insure that you’re staying on task. There are many effective roads available to reach the ultimate goal of survival, and no one route will ever prove to be the right one for everyone. Find the one(s) that work best for you (or someone you know), proceed with caution and make it to your destination.
