Every year around this time, I see so many people making plans for what they wish to accomplish for the new year. Some people want to lose a certain amount of weight. Some want to start an exercise program. Some want to write a book, begin speaking, start a radio show or new business.
Why wait until the new year start doing what you want and need to do now? I’ll be completely transparent in saying that I love to eat, and I’m especially partial to sweets. The holidays provide an opportunity for some of the best cakes, pies and cobblers imaginable. Macaroni and cheese, smoked turkey, dressing…I could go on and on. I know I need to exercise. I know I need to eat in moderation. Yet, I tell myself that it’s ok to indulge. And, there’s no need to exercise because it’s counterproductive if I’m going to just overeat anyway. I’ll just start next week. Until last week, next week had been going on for nearly 4 months.
So, what’s the REAL reason that you haven’t started exercising or written that book yet? Are you afraid? Don’t have enough discipline? Don’t know how to get started? You don’t need to make a resolution. You need to start now with the mental preparation. You need to start now with establishing discipline. You need to make your goals short, simple and realistic. Put pride aside, ask questions, study those who are already doing what you aspire to do and be willing to practice discipline and consistency. If you can’t do these things now, don’t expect much success in them happening just because the year changes.
The benefit of starting now is that it already gets you on track for the new year, so that you’re already ahead of the game. You may even find that what you were putting off for later may not even be necessary. If there are legitimate barriers that keep you from doing certain things at this time, then by all means, wait until it is feasible. But, for those situations that are within your control, take action and start now.
Sometimes, our goals are just too broad. Who wouldn’t enjoy a six figure income, great home, multiple cars, fabulous clothes, exotic vacations, a happy relationship with family, friends, husbands, wives, etc.? While having faith is important, it’s honestly just not enough. You’ve got to put in the work. But, what exactly are you working on? What does work actually look like in terms of your needs, wants and desires in your personal and professional life? Work consists of planning your work and working your plan. Be prepared to work mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally. Be prepared for some long, disheartening and disappointing days and nights. You will question yourself. You will question others. Set some goals for your day, week, month and year. And, yes, set some goals by the hour.
I believe that the more you micro-manage your goals by the hour, the more clarity it will provide you with what needs to be tweaked as you strive towards your longer ranged goals. In fact, if you truly practice discipline and consistency, what goals could you set for yourself in 30 minute increments? Think about it. If we can find ways to cook meals in 30 minutes or less, why can’t we find ways to plan daily activities/routines that will holistically change our lives at 30 minutes at a time? I have some great strategies on accomplishing this, and if you’re reading this and want to learn more, I’m more than happy to help you put this strategy in motion.
In terms of domestic violence, those who are being victimized tend to think broadly. They are thinking about the leaving part. Those that love them are thinking about the leaving part. Oftentimes, just leaving is too broad of a concept to grasp. Or, it may not be feasible to do so for any number of reasons from financial to safety concerns. Again, there are a number of strategies that can and should be put in place to ensure that the holistic outcome is safe, realistic and tangible. Acknowledge that you need help and support with your personal and professional aspirations and be open to the suggestions you receive. Take each day as it comes with the belief that goals serve as a blueprint to achieving holistic success.
I have often said that I enjoy being invited to any party but a pity party. I may decide to stop by and check it out for a few minutes Like and . However, I will never take off my coat or have a seat. I am not interested in making myself comfortable. Life is to be lived and enjoyed. When it’s not treating you fairly, or even if your experiences are in some way self inflicted, at what point do you stop pouting? I offer three other p’s to consider: pray, persevere and praise.
Pray: I truly believe that everyone needs to have some sort of spiritual foundation and be intentional about tapping into that foundation daily. It has truly been a saving grace for me. Read a bible, Q’uan, Daily Bread or any countless number of books from pastors or spiritual advisers from around the world. Practice daily and consistent prayer, meditation and chanting. Speak about the things that trouble you and express your needs, wants and desires. Pray for peace of mind, clarity and guided direction.
Persevere: You have to find ways to push through life’s frustrations, whatever they may be. I know that can be easier said than done, but it must be done. Focus on your why. I’ve talked about this before. Your why is the fuel that keeps you going when nothing else seems to matter. Money is a great motivator, but be specific about the money. For me, it was me verbalizing that I need money to pay my rent because I was tired of seeing eviction notices on my door every month. My children not having school uniforms or us not having transportation. My why continues to be all about stability. I don’t want to ever find myself worrying about what I’m going to eat or where I’m going to lay my head. So, I push though. I make the uncomfortable phone calls. I ask for support. I stay up late and get up early. I am consistent.
Praise: Be thankful for your experiences. I can assure you that someone wishes they had what you’re dealing with. I’ll take it a step further and say that you don’t want other people’s problems. Find ways to celebrate where you are, what you have, what you’ve done, who’s been there for you, etc. When you can find (sometimes it’s not as easy as others) the positives, it allows you to redirect your focus on what you need to do to change your situation. You’ll remember that person, place or thing that will give you just the push you need and recognize that as long as you have breath, you have life.
I am honored that WREG Channel 3’s Markova Reed featured me as the weekly Bright Spot for my work to make sure that men are included in the advocating of ending violence against women. I am a seven year survivor of domestic violence and sexual assault. I have always believed that while men are viewed as the problem regarding domestic violence, I also believe they play a large roll in helping to end it.
When I started our nonprofit, Walking Into A New Life, Inc., I wanted to make sure that people knew that part of my courage for starting it in the first place was due to the support and encouragement of a man. I had spoken a few places about my abuse, but hadn’t formally put anything in place. This man did not have a yearning passion to work in this field. He didn’t have a lot of education or clinical background on the subject. However, he took an interest in helping me build a website, develop a logo and even provided input on creating the name. As I was beginning to learn more about myself, I began to question why I made the relationship choices I did. I wondered if there were other men who’d been victimized. I wondered if there were men who were regretful about the way they treated women. I questioned why the man I met had taken an interest in helping me without wanting something in return. And, if he was legitimately a genuine soul, was it possible that other men like him existed. After completing a bit of internet searching, I would find an organization and one man in particular to be intriguing, engaging and passionate about the work-Tony Porter, co-founder of A Call To Men.
After spending a couple of months of calling his headquarters, I was told by his Executive Assistant (who’d learned my voice) that he would be coming to Tunica, Ms and would make a stop in Memphis to LeMoyne Owen College. This was great news, especially since this wasn’t a part of the country that he traveled. I had no car at the time, and I had only been out of my abusive environment for less than a year. But, I rode the bus as far as it would take me and walked the rest of the way to the college. After his presentation, I made my way to him and when I told him who I was, he laughed and said that his assistant said I may coming to meet him. I told him about my desire to understand more about men being involved in this work, and we’ve been friends ever since. He has been the keynote speaker for our organization twice, and he continues to provide me with encouragement and support as I move forward in my journey.
As for the man who encouraged me to follow my passion and purpose- well, he and I got married last year! That is another blog for another time. But, I am proof that business and healthy relationships can be blended into a beautiful marriage. Now, we work together in business and in marriage as I continue to grow my speaking and writing platform.
When we were in grammar school, we were taught the concept of stop, drop and roll in case of a fire. I have found this approach to be useful in my personal and professional journey of growth.
STOP: Sometime, we have to place ourselves Under Construction. If you broke your foot, you would wear a medical boot. People will see it, recognize that you’re not matching, but they will understand. When you’ve healed and you’re ready, you will remove the boot and the world will see your new and improved look. The same is true with your website or any other social media presence. It’s ok to put up an “Under Construction” page for awhile. People will see that you’ve shut down, but they will understand that you’re going through a transformation process to improve. For those who feel like they must leave it up because they’re going to miss out on something or someone, ask yourself what type of people are you attracting with misinformation, misspelled words or outdated content. Anyone who’s looking to take your brand seriously will not give you the time of day if what you have to offer isn’t a clean, clear and functional representation of your brand.
When we get dressed, we always check the mirror to make sure our makeup is on point, our shoes, dress, purse, tie, pocket square, etc… is a good coordinated compliment to our overall appearance and presentation. People notice if you are wearing one red shoe and one black shoe. They notice if your pants are too long, your dress is too tight or if your perfume is too loud. People will look at you strange and talk about you. You will end up being somebody’s meme. The same is true for whatever business you’re in. Just as we go back to the mirror to double check our appearance, we also have to go back from time to time to make sure that our cyber world hasn’t been hacked and that it’s working properly.
Drop: It’s all about proximity. I was watching an episode of Shark Tank and Damon John was offering advice to a contestant. His paraphrased statement: “It’s all about proximity. If you hang out with four broke people, guess what? You’ll be number five.” Steve Harvey says that his dad told him that the best thing he could do for broke people is not to be one of them. As I work to grow and establish myself holistically, I often reflect on these two statements. Who am I hanging around? Are these people adding value to my life? Am I adding value to theirs? Broke isn’t always in finances, as I’ve dealt with a number of people who were also broken in spirit and time. They have of time for drama, gossip, pity parties, Real Housewives of whomever and yet, they have legitimate issues that are legitimately affecting their overall quality of life. However, you have to be willing to put yourself in a position of prosperity. You have to be open for change. And, most of all, you have to put in the work. Sometimes, you have to be creative in your creativity and ask for help. Put yourself in a position to receive the things you say you want and need. You have to do it mentally AND physically.
Roll: Move your brand in the intended direction. People will treat you and your brand in accordance to what you’re showing them. I remember having this great video made of me to promote my new business and the videographer thought it would be good to incorporate my ‘why’ for the business. The result? People who saw it viewed me as an abuse survivor who became an entrepreneur rather than an entrepreneur who is also a survivor. I found myself being sought after for my advocacy, and my business became secondary. It took me nearly two years before I realized that I’d inadvertently misdirected potential business in a different direction. I branded myself the wrong way. Since that time, I’ve removed the video altogether from my site. I use the video for advocacy speaking and training purposes.
Remember to stop, drop and roll when considering which direction to go in and eliminate the potential fires that could result in moving by the wrong direction.
